Haughty or hot? Ramen California is simply so far out there that you’ll either love it or hate it. I for one am sold on ramen genius Sean Nakamura’s groundbreaking Stateside molecular gastrolab, a miracle of a restaurant that will force you to rethink everything you’ve ever known about a bowl of the you-know-what.

Tenka Ippin is Kyoto’s entry into the North American ramen sweepstakes, only, it’s been around for years, serving up consistently rich chicken-bone ramen to the lucky locals of Honolulu. Step into liquid with this authentic Japanese ramen operation out on the 50th state. Scott Suzui, you gotta bring this stuff over to the mainland, know what I mean?

In the shadow of Canal City Hakata stands Ichiryu, a world-class tonkotsu ramen yatai that dwarfs the competition if simply by the size of its queues. Rameniac makes it a point to visit this modest tonkotsu ramen stand whenever he’s in town, sometimes once, twice, even three times over the course of a stay. Yep, it really is that good. That’s all you need to know!

Oh it’s true. A minor bout of writer’s block and a mostly salad intake (say what?) managed to sideline rameniac’s noodling for the past two months. But now he’s back, with all the juicy details on Ippudo NY, the East Village’s hottest new ramen shop and a testament to the 90-minute wait for a table! Grab a spot at the bar and drink up! Who eats ramen sober?

Momofuku is a) the dude who invented instant ramen b) the name of an Elvis Costello album c) an Iron Chef’s pick for the top ramen in New York or d) all of the above? Jamal Malik, would you like to use a lifeline? Take the money and run, for it’ll cost you a pretty penny to down a few bowls at David Chang’s decidedly controversial noodle bar! 

Chin-Ma-Ya is Little Tokyo’s newest ramen shop, specializing in an authentic Sichuan-style tan tan men that will have peppercorns oozing through your pores. Capsaicin as a health food? According to ancient Chinese wisdom, and savvy Japanese marketing. The folks upstairs at Orochon must be quaking in their aprons...

What could prompt an hour-long lineup on a small, residential side street in eastern Tokyo nearly every single day? How about Menya Kissou, a noon-only noodler with the #1 all time rating on Japan’s foremost ramen website? 120 million people can’t be wrong… or can they?

Change is upon us, top-down, in the form of… Obama Ramen! This brand-new Tokyo noodle shop has been chosen to usher the world into a brave new future of global unwarming, diplomacy, and flying cars. Oh yea, some guy got elected president recently. This ain’t about him. I hear he’s awesome too, but whatever. I’m hungry.

Midtown Manhattan’s Menchanko-tei (say that three times fast!) serves up a sumo-style stew of traditional Japanese hot pot and ramen noodles. They’re also from Hakata, so expect an attempt at tonkotsu ramen. But does it fall flat like a teetering yokozuna? That thundering sound you hear might well be the din of a few bowls breaking…

Sapporo Restaurant is as old as Times Square itself, a noodle shop from the days when the Dutch purchased New Amsterdam for trinkets and a few slabs of chashu. Ok, so I lie. But this veritable New York landmark has indeed been around for years, and has even been featured on the big screen! How’s that for coming to America in style?

Fire up the smokestacks, Minca Ramen Factory is operating at full capacity. This off-the-beaten path East Village ramen shop is still unknown to quite a few of rameniac’s New York friends. But what’s in a name? If Minca is a truly a ramen factory, then assembly-line noodles never tasted so good. Or so authentic!

Curry is a staple, if relatively underrated dish in the pantheon of Japanese cuisine, and Nissin Cup Noodle’s variation on the theme is right up there in terms of popularity as an quick instant ramen fix. It’s not the sort of thing that rameniac eats every day, but when you’re hungry, it’s best not to ask too many questions and just slurp it all down.

At long last, rameniac takes a bite out of the Big Apple with a whirlwind tour of New York’s finest noodle shops! First at bat, Menkui-Tei, a decidedly humble abode in Manhattan’s Asian hipster haven, the East Village. Real estate is expensive around here, at these prices, how fare the eats?

A full-blown Chinese restaurant that serves authentic Japanese ramen? Instinct might tell slurpers to stay away. Yet Seattle has but a handful of ramen shops to its name and Fu Lin rates a visit, according to the locals. How does one jaded rameniac handle slippery plastic chopsticks and xiao long bao?

Hakata Ikousha represents the new wave of post-boom regionalized tonkotsu ramen, with a solid foundation in pork bone basics, innovative presentation, and the savvy to branch out across Japan. Next stop, the world? Judging by the youthful enthusiasm of Ikousha’s staff, the future is in good hands.

Shinpuku brings a taste of Kyoto to the hallowed environs of Raumen Stadium 2. How do the mellow, shoyu-infused stylings of one of Japan’s oldest ramen shops play in a town known for its pork bones? Don’t forget your passport on the way through the noren...

Ramen worth a ransom? You bet! Ever wonder what might happen when one jealous ramen chef accuses another of stealing his precious recipe? You get a double-soup doublecross that involves kidnapping, beating, and *ahem* apparent nekkidness. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried… 

Nestled in the heart of Tokyo, Ramen Jiro honten lands the first perfect score on our rating system. It was inevitable that the day would come, and this hugely influential ramen shop lives up to all expectations and then some. Some people won’t feel the appeal, but rameniac, for one, is a full-blown convert…

Samurai Noodle is the shop of the day here in Seattle, a beachhead for tonkotsu ramen as the pork bone craze makes its way across America! Watch the waribashi fly as diners do battle with extra oil, spicy cod roe, and all the trappings in a masterpiece worthy of Toshiro Mifune, if only he’d been a ramen chef...

Rameniac can’t sleep in Seattle, not after a late-night flight and definitely not when Tsukushinbo serves up a once-a-week ramen and gyoza lunch special. But is it worth waking up for on an overcast Friday morning in the Pacific Northwest? All signs point to staying in…